Stay At Home?

Maybe, for a little while, until I can find another job. I quit my job, finally, after wanting to for quite some time. When my husband put it to me like this, I knew it was time:

X and I don't deserve to have you coming home at night crying because of something that happened at your job. X and I don't deserve to see you off in the morning, crying, because you don't want to go to your job. We deserve better than that.

I used to love my job, and there was a time when it was a perfect fit for me. That time has come and gone. I have different priorities now. I have a family that needs me, and needs me to be happy, so we can all be happy together.

Unfortunately, though we can make it short-term without my income, we also need for me to have an income for just a couple more years. I am searching for a job, but also desperately want to stay at home. I'm torn between the two. Can we make enough changes, cut enough fat off of our budget, for me to stay at home? Would having more time to make better decisions about money make it possible? I would get to spend the fleeting baby days with X, and be the first to hear him say his first word, watch him crawl, take his first steps. I would be there with him. I want to be there with him. I would be there for my husband. I could keep my house up the way I want to! I could cook and clean! Be a mother and a wife, without the stress of a job creeping in, taking over my thoughts as I try to BE PRESENT with my family.

My husband and I will keep asking ourselves the questions, keep searching for the answer. My remaining three weeks of employment await.

Who Are You?

Who are you?

I find myself asking this question of X, sadly more frequently on Thursdays and Fridays as the work week keeps me away from him for most of the days between weekends. Spending two, or maybe three hours a day with this baby is just not enough to get to know the little person who is now very much becoming his own little self. Following a routine that has been established by X and his wonderful babysitter is easy on the weekends, but it's sad that I need the babysitter to tell me about my boy's day to day routine and growth.

I want to be the one to make the discoveries about X's preference. I want to figure out with X what works and what doesn't.

I love the babysitter, though. She is wonderful. She takes in four children, and runs a home daycare. Two girls, ages three and two, and another boy, about two weeks older than X. It's a lovely, warm environment and X gets lots of one-on-one attention. I couldn't ask for a better situation.

Still, the question comes. Who are you?

I'm finally starting to feel like X is a separate entity. He expresses his individuality in surprising, funny ways. His temper is quick to flare, like mine, but irritations are quickly forgotten. He is a goofy, funny giggler, like his dad. He loves to snuggle, but he also loves to play and shout! He is gaining more and more skills that will make him yet even more independent as the days and weeks and months pass. I'm so proud of him. He is the sweetest, funniest boy.

I'm also starting to feel like I am myself again -- not always mommy, but a wife and a friend and a sister and an employee and a daughter. Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's all the new independent things of which X is becoming capable. Who knows? I feel different, though. I feel more balanced, and that's a good thing.

And still: Who are you? How will you be different today? It's a question for both of us, for all three of us, thinking now about my husband. How will we continue to grow, as individuals and as a family? Every day, a question.

Seven Months

X is seven months old today -- more than half a year. Almost a year and a half since we found out he was on his way. I can't believe how quickly time passes.

X discovered today that he can put his toes in his mouth! I've been waiting for this to happen. What a funny sight! I hate feet in the worst way, but I love X's feet. I kiss them and blow raspberries on them. They're so chubby, and his big toes are SO big! They're like insane monkey toes. I swear he tries to pick things up with his feet, just like he does with his hands. That'll be a neat party trick, if it ever comes to pass.

He also did the funniest moon walk move while we were playing in the living room this evening. I was holding him up, in a standing position. Instead of bouncing, like he normally does, he started to pick up his feet. He couldn't figure out how to put them one in front of the other, so he kept putting them back and sliding the other foot.

My husband is a huge, major Michael Jackson fan. I haven't told him about the moon walking yet, but I know he will freak out when I do. One other anecdote here is that X would always "dance" in utero whenever a Michael Jackson song played. Just like his daddy! I don't know if musical fandom can be inherited, but if loving MJ is genetic, I will eat my hat.

Anyway, happy 7 months day, X. Your daddy and I love you so very much!

Swings

Yesterday marked my first venture onto a playground with X. The weather is finally no longer frigid, the daylight is lasting longer, and I had the day off and X all to myself!

We walked our usual route through the subdivision where we live and instead of strolling past the playground, I decided to stop. I thought we could try the baby swings. X has been sitting up pretty well for a couple of weeks now. Okay, he's still a little wobbly, but when he has something to hold on to, he does great!

I put him in and away he went -- swinging and shrieking and laughing.

Daddy reports that he took him to the playground again today while I was at work, and that X loved the swings and cried when taken out to come home. Sweet boy.

Messy Morning

Lots of messy things have happened today, but they have all had me dissolving into fits of giggles:

1. During a flying baby game (holding X in the air over my head), there was a burp and a spit-up! I knew the day would come for this to happen. All I could do was close my eyes and mouth and reach blindly for the burp cloth to get the worst of it off of my face. This episode required a face washing (mine), shirt changing (mine) and mouth wiping (X's). At least I didn't have to change his clothes, too!

2. Listening to Raffi's "Bananaphone", I carry X over to the counter and pick up a pretty ripe banana. "This is a banana. Banana! Banana! Banana!" X grabs the stem and gives a hard yank, pulling it off. Okay, I think. I'll just peel and eat it. While I'm holding X. He proceeds to grab and mash the banana. Soon, we are both a sticky, slimy mess. And X still doesn't like fresh banana -- after putting some in his mouth, he did his usual gagging, BLECH sound. O_o This situation called for reinforcements, and it was, after all, 7:30 a.m. So, we go upstairs and wake up Daddy, who takes X for cleanup, while I change my shirt (again) and wash my face and hands (again).

3. X is finally winding down. I see that he's getting tired, so I sit in the rocking chair with him, and we snuggle. I had changed into a tank top, leaving my chest bare. X, who is really working on blowing raspberries, puts his little mouth on my skin and blows, making the loudest, wettest raspberry sound ever. I start to laugh, and so he starts to laugh. He does it again. We both giggle and laugh, and he does it again! Giggle fit ensues. Okay, not too messy this time, but very, very slobbery!

Suddenly, X is curled up like a bean in my arms, fast asleep.

Bliss.