I've accepted a new position, and will be returning to work in two weeks. It is really bittersweet. On the one hand, we need the income -- it's that simple. On the other, it will be so hard to go back after having so much time at home with X.
Don't get me wrong: the hardest days with X (teething, grumpy, won't-take-a-nap, won't-eat-his-dinner kind of days) made me long for time away, or even just for some help. But they are days I'll never get back.
I'm second-guessing myself now, to be honest. About everything. I know that in the long run, it's just a decision that had to be made. But now that I've had a few days to adjust to the idea of going back to work, I wonder if I did it right during this time off from the 40-hour work week. Did I spend enough time with X? Did I pay enough attention? Did I bond adequately with him? Did I cuddle him enough? Did I help him learn?
How will we spend these last two weeks? Well, X has been going part-time to his sitter the entire time I've been looking for work, so that he wouldn't lose his spot and also to keep him socializing with the other children in his sitter's care. So, he has a couple more days of part time care before going back full-time in June.
We are also traveling by car to visit my husband's family in Florida. I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and having a week of beach time. Also, we will meet our new grand-niece for the first time, a tiny baby girl born on May 14th. It's the first long trip we will have done since Christmas, when X slept for pretty much the whole ride. I have a suspicion that this trip will be quite different, however we will break up the ride and stay a night in a hotel on the way there and again on the way back.
Then, back to the salt mines.
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, May 23, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Stay At Home?
Maybe, for a little while, until I can find another job. I quit my job, finally, after wanting to for quite some time. When my husband put it to me like this, I knew it was time:
I used to love my job, and there was a time when it was a perfect fit for me. That time has come and gone. I have different priorities now. I have a family that needs me, and needs me to be happy, so we can all be happy together.
Unfortunately, though we can make it short-term without my income, we also need for me to have an income for just a couple more years. I am searching for a job, but also desperately want to stay at home. I'm torn between the two. Can we make enough changes, cut enough fat off of our budget, for me to stay at home? Would having more time to make better decisions about money make it possible? I would get to spend the fleeting baby days with X, and be the first to hear him say his first word, watch him crawl, take his first steps. I would be there with him. I want to be there with him. I would be there for my husband. I could keep my house up the way I want to! I could cook and clean! Be a mother and a wife, without the stress of a job creeping in, taking over my thoughts as I try to BE PRESENT with my family.
My husband and I will keep asking ourselves the questions, keep searching for the answer. My remaining three weeks of employment await.
X and I don't deserve to have you coming home at night crying because of something that happened at your job. X and I don't deserve to see you off in the morning, crying, because you don't want to go to your job. We deserve better than that.
I used to love my job, and there was a time when it was a perfect fit for me. That time has come and gone. I have different priorities now. I have a family that needs me, and needs me to be happy, so we can all be happy together.
Unfortunately, though we can make it short-term without my income, we also need for me to have an income for just a couple more years. I am searching for a job, but also desperately want to stay at home. I'm torn between the two. Can we make enough changes, cut enough fat off of our budget, for me to stay at home? Would having more time to make better decisions about money make it possible? I would get to spend the fleeting baby days with X, and be the first to hear him say his first word, watch him crawl, take his first steps. I would be there with him. I want to be there with him. I would be there for my husband. I could keep my house up the way I want to! I could cook and clean! Be a mother and a wife, without the stress of a job creeping in, taking over my thoughts as I try to BE PRESENT with my family.
My husband and I will keep asking ourselves the questions, keep searching for the answer. My remaining three weeks of employment await.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Who Are You?
Who are you?
I find myself asking this question of X, sadly more frequently on Thursdays and Fridays as the work week keeps me away from him for most of the days between weekends. Spending two, or maybe three hours a day with this baby is just not enough to get to know the little person who is now very much becoming his own little self. Following a routine that has been established by X and his wonderful babysitter is easy on the weekends, but it's sad that I need the babysitter to tell me about my boy's day to day routine and growth.
I want to be the one to make the discoveries about X's preference. I want to figure out with X what works and what doesn't.
I love the babysitter, though. She is wonderful. She takes in four children, and runs a home daycare. Two girls, ages three and two, and another boy, about two weeks older than X. It's a lovely, warm environment and X gets lots of one-on-one attention. I couldn't ask for a better situation.
Still, the question comes. Who are you?
I'm finally starting to feel like X is a separate entity. He expresses his individuality in surprising, funny ways. His temper is quick to flare, like mine, but irritations are quickly forgotten. He is a goofy, funny giggler, like his dad. He loves to snuggle, but he also loves to play and shout! He is gaining more and more skills that will make him yet even more independent as the days and weeks and months pass. I'm so proud of him. He is the sweetest, funniest boy.
I'm also starting to feel like I am myself again -- not always mommy, but a wife and a friend and a sister and an employee and a daughter. Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's all the new independent things of which X is becoming capable. Who knows? I feel different, though. I feel more balanced, and that's a good thing.
And still: Who are you? How will you be different today? It's a question for both of us, for all three of us, thinking now about my husband. How will we continue to grow, as individuals and as a family? Every day, a question.
I find myself asking this question of X, sadly more frequently on Thursdays and Fridays as the work week keeps me away from him for most of the days between weekends. Spending two, or maybe three hours a day with this baby is just not enough to get to know the little person who is now very much becoming his own little self. Following a routine that has been established by X and his wonderful babysitter is easy on the weekends, but it's sad that I need the babysitter to tell me about my boy's day to day routine and growth.
I want to be the one to make the discoveries about X's preference. I want to figure out with X what works and what doesn't.
I love the babysitter, though. She is wonderful. She takes in four children, and runs a home daycare. Two girls, ages three and two, and another boy, about two weeks older than X. It's a lovely, warm environment and X gets lots of one-on-one attention. I couldn't ask for a better situation.
Still, the question comes. Who are you?
I'm finally starting to feel like X is a separate entity. He expresses his individuality in surprising, funny ways. His temper is quick to flare, like mine, but irritations are quickly forgotten. He is a goofy, funny giggler, like his dad. He loves to snuggle, but he also loves to play and shout! He is gaining more and more skills that will make him yet even more independent as the days and weeks and months pass. I'm so proud of him. He is the sweetest, funniest boy.
I'm also starting to feel like I am myself again -- not always mommy, but a wife and a friend and a sister and an employee and a daughter. Maybe it's spring. Maybe it's all the new independent things of which X is becoming capable. Who knows? I feel different, though. I feel more balanced, and that's a good thing.
And still: Who are you? How will you be different today? It's a question for both of us, for all three of us, thinking now about my husband. How will we continue to grow, as individuals and as a family? Every day, a question.